I generally don’t understand everything that Abuela (Grandma) or anyone else in this country says (mostly just Abuela, or when two people are yelling at each other), but to not catch 100% of the conversation at the round lunch table that flew by at hundreds of words per minute the other Saturday made it all the more entertaining. The theme that was brought to the table was mascotas, pets that Abuela had owned, taken care of, or apparently, killed throughout her lifetime. This is what I caught:

Las tortugas (the turtles) – “¿Abueeelaaa, por qué la mataste? ¿Pero, por qué?” quizzed Andree, with a smirk on his face. He would repeat this question over and over until Abuela had nothing left to do but call him a weón, with a connotation right in the middle of what I would call the “weón scale” from homeboys to worst enemies. Andree just wanted her to explain why she had killed the turtle. Of course Abuela wouldn’t admit to killing the turtle. She had simply put it in a box or something because it had appeared to have died, but Andree then explained how the turtle really died, something about how the box exploded, which I didn’t fully understand. The turtle rant was really the highlight of the lunch conversation. I asked Abuela if it she had ever taken care of bigger turtles, to which she responded “sí, po, ¡pero las tortugas grandes corren rápido, pero rááápido!” explaining that these kinds of turtles run too fast for her to catch them. Later it surfaced that the small turtle used to come to the door to look for food but would prop itself up on the little step too much, to the point that it would tip over and never be able to get off of its back without Abuela’s help. Perhaps that’s why she threw the turtle in the box prematurely…

Los gatos (the cats) – Apparently Abuela killed the neighbors’ cats. She claims she had nothing to do with it. I’ll be sure to elaborate if I ever find out any more details.

El hámster (the hamster) – When enumerating lists of animals, hámster always made the list. I don’t think Abuela had much of a story to tell about hamsters, but perhaps she had owned one in the past, or maybe she thought hamsters were cute. Either way, I thought it was funny the way she would blurt out “hámster” with conviction after pausing to think of more animals.

La perra (the bitch) – Female dog, mind you. Except perhaps “bitch” describes this portion of the conversation a little more accurately. All that I really understood was that this perra would be sent to sit by the door, but would always run over and sit near Abuelo Iván Marchant’s feet. Marchant, who suffers from Alzheimer’s, was busy sipping on his tea and stabbing at an empty plate since he had not realized that no more food would materialize, but perked up for a second to utter “concha de su madre” to label that certain perra a “motherfucker.” The table roared with laughter.

El conejo (the rabbit) – I guess there was a rabbit at some point. What I understood was that a young Uncle Jorge took the bunny and hung it in a vine or something, and then yelled at it. Upon finding out what had happened, Abuela screamed out the window at Jorge, telling him “¡suéltalo!” (let it go!).

I hope that this laughter and livelihood will leap from the lunch conversation every weekend, when my familia loca sits down to enjoy a large meal together.